8 Ways No One Should Talk About God (Please!)

And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.
—Matthew 6:7

I tend to shy away from God-talk when I’m talking about my own spirituality. I know that some people can’t talk about God enough, but a little bit of God-talk goes a long way for me. Maybe I’ve grown tired of all the shouting about the New Atheism. Or maybe I’ve heard too many embarrassing prayers and praise songs where fully grown adults run their mouth about their schoolgirl crush on God.

I’d feel better about talking about God if we could agree on a few basic ground rules first. Here’s a stab at what would make talking about God a lot better for a lot of us:

1. God doesn’t have low self-esteem.

It’s become a truism of modern child rearing that a child’s self-esteem must be pumped up at all times.¹ Parents and teachers are told to praise children at every turn, especially when they’re having a hard time with something—to the point that a lot of kids have figured out that the more praise they get, the worse they’re doing.

And isn’t this how some people talk to God? It’s as though God will fall into a self-pitying crying jag if he isn’t constantly told how totally awesome he is. If God really is God, he doesn’t feel any better or worse because of what you’ve said about him.

2. God doesn’t need you to use a special vocabulary.

Magnify. Worship. Exult—or is it exalt? Do we even know what those words mean? The last time most of us actually magnified something was in high school biology class—are we trying to say God is something on a peatree dish? Would we ever, in normal conversation, say to someone that their name is majestic in all the earth—or even majestic in all of the apartment complex, for those not worthy of globe-spanning praise? And when was the last time you heard someone praise someone else’s name? If they really did deserve a self-esteem boost, wouldn’t you just praise them and not their name?

Does anyone even know what it means to worship something? There are really only two places where we can observe humans worshipping something in the wild. One is mandated by decree by a guy in North Korea with a bad haircut and too many missles and the other involves Tiger Beat magazine and photos of Justin Bieber posted on middle school bedroom walls (so at least one more bad haircut). Is “worship” really what you mean to be saying you’re doing to God?

If you don’t know what the words mean—or are using them in a way that’s way different than normal—you’re probably talking nonsense. And how is talking nonsense helping you or God? If you don’t know what it means, quit saying it about God.

3. God doesn’t need you to talk about him all the time.

We’ve all known people who just won’t shut up about something. Maybe it’s a sports team or a tv show, or worse, a new significant other. Do you enjoy being around them? Do you hope that each and every day they’ll drop by six or seven times to tell you how much they love Twilight?

Put it this way: Do you think God hopes you’ll talk about him as much as a twelve-year-old texting about the Bieber? Do you think God wants you to cover your biology folder with “God + your initials?” How would you feel about someone who covered their folder with your initials? Or who just talked about you all the time? Would a restraining order be far way?

4. God didn’t find your keys.

You did. They were in the last place you looked.

God also didn’t find you a parking space or win your kid’s t-ball game.

5. God isn’t impressed by bad poetry.

If there was never another repetitive “Jesus is my boyfriend” praise song every written, the world would be a better place for it. Enough said.

6. God doesn’t have an anger management problem.

It seems to be important to a lot of people that God be really pissed all the time. About doing the wrong things with their genitals. About saying bad words. About not talking about him all the time like he was Justin Bieber. Some people really get off on God being angry.

And it’s not just that God’s angry. It’s that God is so angry he’s about to lose it! Smiting will ensue any minute now! Run for the nearest altar or it could be you!

The good news is that God’s going to take it out on his son, a perfectly good kid, instead of you. Wait, that’s good news? We’re supposed to love a God who’d off his kid? So he wouldn’t off us?

7. God isn’t interested in obedience.

God isn’t playing a cosmic round of Simon Says with us. If something is the right thing to do, we should do it just because it’s the right thing to do, not because God shook his finger at us. God trusts us to fulfill our life responsibilities with minimal supervision. To hear some people talk, you’d think God was a tyrannical middle manager watching our every move to make sure we’re operating a peak moral efficiency. God doesn’t means for this to be Sweatshop Earth. If we turn each others’ lives into a morality sweatshop, it isn’t because God set it up that way. We should be good because life’s better for all of us when everyone is good, not because God is watching over our shoulder.

8. God doesn’t keep score.

Whatever God is, God understands that things are rough down here. Even if God doesn’t have an anger management problem himself, a lot of people down here do. And many of them, when you take time to hear their stories, have good reasons they ended up that way, even if they could use a little help getting unstuck from where they’re at now. And that’s just talking about anger management problems. It doesn’t even begin to cover all the messedupness we’ve worked up for ourselves down here.

Lists of who’s naughty and who’s nice are for Santa Claus. God’s perfectly willing to let bygones be bygones if it means we’ll learn to be easier on each other for a change.

That’s it for me. What ways of talking about God could you do without?

1. This in spite of evidence in books like Nurture Shock showing that praise for hard work is much more effective than constant ego inflation. [↩]