But if you are feeling sinister
Go off and see a minister
He’ll try in vain to take away the pain of being a hopeless unbeliever
—Belle & Sebastian
It’s okay for a church event to have corporate sponsors. Lots of them. Put all of their logos on the placemat. Pastor Hip News Anchor should pimp each of them in turn.
If you’re a vendor at a Christian hunters dinner, your shirt should have patches. Lots of patches.
Picking a guest speaker with a cable tv hunting show will get a hearing for the message of the night.
Inpenetrable two-sentence quotes from Paul’s thickest letter (Romans) are a good entry point for people new to your religion. (Why are evangelicals so unaware of when they’re talking in insider code?)
If your mic doesn’t work, fuss about it. Three different times. Each time longer than the last. Then wonder why your audience isn’t laughing at your jokes or raising their hands when you ask them questions.
God’s love for us is actually quite simple. You can trick a mama bear into adopting an orphan bear cub by sedating both of them and then shoving Vick’s Vaporub up their noses to throw of their sense of smell. God cannot stand the smell of sin, so what’s required is to shove the blood of Jesus up God’s nose so that he won’t smell your sin. And that’s what it means to be saved.
When it’s time for the altar call, tell a story about meeting an eight-year-old paraplegic girl whose daddy loves her. Use this to get in a dig about abortion.
A selling point of the three-day Argentina dove hunt door prize is that you can kill 1500 to 2000 doves in one afternoon.
But maybe I’m just bitter I didn’t win a door prize.
(Photo by tiredofh20. Used under Creative Commons license.)
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“God cannot stand the smell of sin, so what’s required is to shove the blood of Jesus up God’s nose so that he won’t smell your sin.”
This is such a stupid notion. Not because its unbiblical per sin in the sense of not being in Paul — but because Jesus himself doesn’t actually teach it. Yes, the gospels make Jesus mention the idea that his death will be a sacrifice for sin in and around the last supper, but its clearly a bit of a diversion from the norm, clearly in reality some later editing to bring the gospels in conformance with Paul — because everywhere else it is clear that Jesus demands we actually repent and start living right. His gospel is ‘repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand’ — where one gospel says he sent the 12 forth ‘to preach the gospel’ another says ‘and they went forth preaching that men should repent’ from which we know that the gospel = that men should repent. But Paul made the gospel: Jesus died so you don’t have to repent. Just keep on sinning, and throw on some Jesus deodorant. God had Jesus slain, distilled his blood into a perfume, and if you put it on, I’ll be able to stand your smell. — Seriously, how can anyone buy into something so absurd and antichrist as the Pauline theory?